Jail House Humor
by Catoni15
Summary: A little humor occurs in the holding room on Manaan for the crew of the Ebon Hawk. DSF Revan. Beware of some bashing. OneShot COMPLETE


_Hey there, folks. Well, I'm back with another moment of boredom induced writing. After having played KOTOR I about five times or so I decided I wanted to write something for it. And don't give me that kind of look. I only played that much to, uh, see all the different kinds of endings and possibilities. Yeah, that's it. Heh._

_Seriously, I hope you guys will like this. Writing for a game like this is difficult because there are so many possibilities and Revan's character never really has a definite name or person. So it may seem…**awkward**. That's why I never like reading stories for this game. It's too weird._

_I'll try my best to properly capture everyone's personalities. This is my first KOTOR Istory. Here goes nothing. : )_

**Type**: _One-shot, Humor _

**Character**: _DS Female Revan _

**Pairing**:_ Um, none that I can think of… _

**Reason**: _Because I have no other purpose in my life than writing pointless stories that will never make money but, nevertheless, bring me some kind of pleasure. _

**Warnings**: _Beware of bad Humor, beware of Carth-bashing, beware of Bastila-bashing, beware of Manaan and Selkath-bashing. And I think that's all the bashing there is._

: 

**>>>>Jail House Humor>>>>**

The situation was anything but good at the moment. It was probably as far from good as anything could get. Surely some horrible disaster was occurring right that moment in some other part of the galaxy. A poor, defenseless planet could be getting pillaged by rogue Mandalorians looking to relive the days of their glory. The Sith could be tormenting innocent people into submitting to their tyranny and violent ways. Dark Jedi could be using their command of the Force to make the lives of perfectly decent individuals miserable and unbearable. Somewhere out there, tragedies were happening and lives were being torn apart, savagely.

And yet, none of that amounted to the catastrophe that was occurring on one little planet…

"Damnable fish! When I get out of here they will **pay!**"

Meant absolutely nothing in the face of an enraged Revan.

She was beyond anger at this point. So far beyond it that there didn't seem like a proper word for it in any of the languages, Basic or otherwise. A rage deeper than any other in the entire galaxy. She could hardly keep it contained. How could they do this to her? No, how _dare_ they do this to her? If they only knew the power she wielded, if only she wasn't forced to remain peaceful and quiet in the face of it all. If only she could blow the entire race into itty-bitty little bits. That last thought brought a sinister smile to her face and she toyed with it for a little while longer. Entertained herself with ways she could destroy the impudent Selkath. Maybe she could burn them to death…

"Don't start getting any foolish ideas," Jolee's aged voice cut into her thoughts.

Revan sneered at him, "Stay out of my head, old man! I don't need you probing my mind!"

"Humph! As though I'd need Jedi powers to know what you were thinking! It was written all over your face. The heinous dark desires…"

"Spare me. Don't you think I get enough of that trash from goody Jedi Bastila?"

"Kids these days! I'd say you needed a good smacking, the way you're acting up. Just like a baby."

"I'd like to see you try it! Come on!"

"Don't you think we have enough problems without the two of you bickering?" Carth snapped at them, "I mean, this isn't helping anything!"

Yes, apparently fighting would not get them out of their terrible situation. The crew of the _Ebon Hawk_ found themselves locked up in little barred cells on Manaan. Each in their own individual prisons like little collectibles. The Selkath authorities found it important to take the trio that they had _and_ the rest of the crew on the ship and toss them in jail. The droids, however, were put off to the side of the room with restraining bolts on them. Everyone—minus Bastila who had gotten herself captured by Malak—was present.

"And substituting for Bastila as the annoying voice of reason is Carth Onasi! The irritating deadweight of the group!"

The Republic ace-pilot glared at the former Dark Lord, "Deadweight? _Deadweight?_ Is that what you think I am? Well, I don't have to take any of this, sister!"

"Then leave!" Revan waved her hand a little ways outside her bars, "Go! No one wants you around, anyway. You pathetic, sniveling little fool!"

"Seriously, everyone needs to chill out," Mission piped up from her own cell, "We have to think of a way out of these! Not be fighting with each other."

"I don't think we're going to get out of here by busting out," Carth informed the young Twi'lek, "I think the best thing to do is wait it out. They said they would be holding the trial soon. We go through it, try and convince them that we are innocent and—hopefully—we'll be free to leave."

"Hmph…I'd rather leave here guns blazing. And decapitate every Selkath I see on my way out."

"Typical Revan behavior…"

"What did you say, Fly-boy?"

"I didn't say anything, Beautiful."

"Call me that again," the female Jedi warned, "And you'll lose the _only_ thing that even _remotely_ makes you a man."

"No, we do not need that kind of anger," Juhani spoke up, "Remember: There is no emotion, there is peace…"

"There sure as hell won't be peace when I get out of here."

Though restrained in most things by the bolt, HK-47 was not restricted from speech, "Query: Would it please you, Master, to set me on the Selkath when we depart? I could surely take care of them at your command…"

"If you weren't restrained by the damned bolt I'd set you on them now," Revan smiled wickedly afterwards, "But thank you for the offer. You know just what to say to make me feel better, HK."

"Statement: I live only to serve, Master."

The young Jedi sighed and sat on the floor of her prison. How she hated being forced to play along with such idiotic games! The Selkath should count themselves fortunate that she had such a vast amount of patience. Though she had stood there making constant threats to the Warren it did not mean she didn't know how to bide her time. _That_ was merely letting off steam. No, if she truly had lost her patience none of these ridiculous fish people would be standing now. The only reason she allowed them to continue on as they did was because she needed the Star Map. Revan needed to find the Star Forge in order to defeat Malak, her old apprentice, and take back what was hers. The other members of her crew either didn't seem to know her true intentions or didn't seem to care. Either way it worked to her advantage. Let them remain apathetic or ignorant. She didn't need fools getting in her way!

Revan was pulled from her thoughts by the Wookie watching her from the cell across hers, "What are you looking at, Fur Ball?"

"You've gotten a little…_paler_ since we first met on Taris," Zalbaar growled in his language.

"Yeah, so? What of it?"

"I was wandering if you may be sick with something. I've never seen anyone look quite like that."

"Sick? You think I'm sick? Why yes, I'm inclined to agree! I _am_ sick! Sick of incompetence! Now shut up and mind your own business or you'll find yourself being worn as a coat!"

Zalbaar retaliated with a feral roar and a shake of his cage.

"Hey! Quiet down!" the Warren snapped at the prisoners in his slimy language.

"Yes, Wookie, behave or they may have to put you down," Revan teased, leaning against the bars of her cage, "Unless, of course, your anger is too great. Come on, you walking carpet! Come over here and get me. If you can…"

"What is with you?" Carth uttered in dismay, "Are you _trying_ to pick a fight with everyone?"

"Maybe I am. I'm angry and I don't care who or what I beat. I just want to knock the hell out of something."

"Cute. And you think killing things will help us at all?"

"It's a good start."

The pilot sighed, "Please, we don't need this. Don't you think there's enough death and killing? Don't you think there's enough suffering out there without you adding to it? Revan, I've seen it. I've seen far too much of it to handle anymore. It's a hard enough life as it is. Don't add to it. Please don't dive further into the hatred and anger that…that's already out there!" he leaned against his bars and gripped them with a dramatic sense of feeling, "Revan, this is your chance to turn over a new leaf! You don't have to be Revan! You can be something more! Don't you see? Revan doesn't have to exist! Revan doesn't have to come back! You could rid the universe of the infamous Dark Lord _for good_. Wouldn't that be better? Wouldn't it…wouldn't it be so much more satisfying? Please…"

A heavy silence filled them room. Amidst all the chaos and confusion, amidst all the unfortunate luck they've been having, no one expected the Republic soldier to break out into a speech. They were moved. It was obvious to see that the crew of the _Ebon Hawk_ was moved beyond words. Well, those save Canderous—who was shaking his head and turning his back on the other man—HK-47 and T3, who seemed incapable of showy emotion extending that beyond droids. Juhani expressed her being touched with the seriousness in her eyes, Jolee with the affected expression on his face, Mission with the unusual air of sobriety about her, and Zalbaar with his silence. But Carth was not looking to them. Now, his attention was all for Revan. Had his words reached her? He prayed they did.

Revan merely stood staring at the floor in her own silent mood. So many thoughts swirled around in her mind. Everything Carth said sank into her thoughts, registered here and there. She gripped the bars tighter now, clenching them in her hand. Her head hung low. She mouth words to herself silently, closed her eyes and sighed. When she lifted her head again to look at Carth pain showed in every aspect of her expression.

"Well? What do you say? Are you ready to change? Are you ready to turn your back on 'Revan'?"

"Carth…"

"We can help you! We can help you change your ways. I…I know it can't be easy on your own. Revan was a super power back then. But something that _can_ be overcome. You just need to say no…"

"You're right!" Revan fell to her knees, "It _is_ hard! Those memories, the taint, the power I constantly feel within me! I feel it swirling inside me like a threat, waiting for its chance to come out! To reveal itself! To cause more harm to people! I've been trying to keep it in check, but…but…"

"It's alright," Carth said soothingly, "We can help you. Let us help. Let me help."

The young female Jedi wiped tears from the corners of her eyes, "Do…do you really mean it, Carth? Do you really want to help me? You're not afraid?"

"Sure, I'm afraid. But that doesn't mean I don't want to help. I want to. You just have to let me."

"What do I need to do?"

"Well, first off, we should probably call a truce. How about that? We'll shake on it then?" Carth extended his arm out as far as the bars would allow across to Revan's cell, "Alright?"

She sniffled, "Al-Alright," her arm was stuck through her own bars and their two hands grasped each other's. The two shook lightly for a moment.

"There, see? That's not so bad, is it? Now we can—"

Before Carth could finish his sentence a terrible pain overcame him. The power of the Force Lightning shot from Revan's arm, into her hand and into the Republic pilot. The man screamed for a second or two before finally wrenching his hand out of the woman's and freeing himself from her power. The shock of the power was so intense that he was thrown into the back wall of his cell. The tiny prison rocked so hard it nearly fell over. Carth fell to the ground like a smoking heap of meat.

Revan howled with laughter.

While the other more moral members of the crew tried to assess whether or not Carth was alright the former Dark Lord was too busy trying to breathe, Canderous couldn't help but snicker at the pilot's stupidity and even HK-47 was expressing his delight at the spectacle. Apparently watching a human being nearly get fried to well done status was utterly pleasing to the droid.

"Commentary: That was highly amusing, Master! I wouldn't mind if you did it again."

"Well, he had to be pretty stupid to fall for that one," the Mandalorian mercenary remarked.

"I wouldn't mind doing it again, HK! Though, Carth would have to be **alive** for that!"

"What is the matter with you?" Mission nearly screeched, "You could've killed the poor guy! Lucky for you he's all right!"

"Aw, really? I guess I'll have to put more power into it next time…"

Carth staggered as he tried, with much effort, to stand up straight. He had to use the bars for support, "That was a damn mean thing to do! I was trying to call a truce! You didn't have to try and kill me!"

"Trust me, Carth," Revan tapped on her bars, "If I were trying to kill you, you'd be dead. No question."

The pilot cursed under his breath.

"Now, now, temper, temper. No need to get upset. Weren't you saying just a minute ago that there was no need for anymore sins, or some such thing? Don't contribute, Carth. Or you'll be a hypocrite."

"You're one to talk!"

"Hm, yes, but I never agreed to your silly notion, now did I?"

As Carth proceeded to dust off the burnt ash from his now singed clothes he muttered and cursed about women and their underhanded methods.

A Selkath guard interrupted his irritation.

"It is time to begin the trial."

"Ah, perfect. Alright, fish face, get me out of here. I'll proceed to the courtroom."

The guard was cautious about going near Revan's cell but opened the door, regardless. He kept careful tabs on her movements.

"Oh, great. We're going to let _her_ argue our case?"

"Don't worry, Onasi," Revan winked and flashed the datapad in her hand, "All I have to do is plead the case of the missing Selkath youths. We broke into the Sith base to rescue the poor, little tadpoles, got caught up in Sith fire fighting and found proof of their insurrection. After they hear this tear jerker and see the cold, hard evidence we'll be walking the streets again," she slipped it back under her robe, "So don't worry yourself about any of this. I'll take care of _everything_."

Revan left the holding room with airs of confidence about her. As the guard led the way wicked thoughts once more returned to her mind.

_'When I reclaim my old title as Dark Lord of the Sith, this planet will be the first to go.'_

>>>>>>

Well, that would be about it. I know it's not one of my more…meaningful stories but I wanted to write this. I just winged it anyway, nothing I put a lot of thought into. Like I said, this is my first KOTOR I story ever written. I'm not even sure if the characters are in character. Please **REVIEW** this and tell me what you think. Feedback would be most appreciated!


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